Who would have thought that loving a person would mean giving that person the right to hurt you?
It had been months now since that incident happened. The incident that made me realize that loving would mean getting hurt. That incident that made me comprehend what the real meaning of trust really was.
It was a rainy weekend in June when my cousin dropped the bomb. We were seated in the terrace having an early snack while watching the rain fall.
“Kimiko, has Kazu been calling you these past few days?” my cousin asked out of the blue.
“Nope. Why do you ask?” I returned the question.
“I was just wondering. You see, it seems that you haven’t been communicating these past few weeks and I was just curious if you miss him at all.”
“Oh sure I do miss him, but he’s not obliged to call me everyday. I know he’s kinda busy with his job right now.” I tried to cover up for him.
“Kimi, what if you find out that Kazu has been seeing another girl?” she asked turning away from me.
“Is that some kind of a joke? Coz if it is. I’m not amused.” I answered.
“Kimi, how much do you trust Kazu?”
“What is this? Some plot to destroy Kazu? I knew from the start that you don’t like him. He wasn’t your choice for me, but please don’t make things up just to make me hate him. I trust Kazunari.” I answered sounding very irritated.
I was so pissed off that I entered the house and locked myself in my room. I was trying to erase every little bit of doubt that I have in my head. As far as I can remember, the last time Kazu and I had a serious talk was three weeks ago. That was also the last time I heard from him. But I wasn’t bothered at all. This wasn’t the first time that we lost communication for a couple of days. He did not want us to see each other everyday. He was an advocate of the saying “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” Not to mention, they are in the middle of a nationwide tour, throw in an Asian tour somewhere in the middle.
I fell asleep still trying to make up excuses for Kazu’s sudden change of behavior.
The following day, I was strolling in a mall when by chance I met Susumo, Kazu’s manager slash best friend. I waved at him but the moment he caught sight of me , his face turned ashen. He tried to turn back and hide but I had already walked up to him.
“Su-kun, are you trying to hide from me?” I asked the moment I was near him.
“Oh hi Kimi-chan. It’s nice to see you here. What are you doing here anyway?” He was trying to hide his trembling voice.
“I’m looking for a gift for Kazu for his birthday.” I answered.
“Well, Happy hunting! Why don’t you go to Akihabara. There’s a new video game out today.” he said.
With that, he wheeled around and hurriedly walked away from me.
“Susumo, wait!” I said as I grabbed his arm from behind.
“Why are you in such a hurry? Is something wrong? How come Kazu’s not with you?”
“Oh... They’re ... ammm... rehearsing.” Susumo answered.
“Su-kun, are you trying to hide something from me?” I asked looking straight into his eye.
He was not able to answer me. He just stared at me as if he was trying to explain something.
“Well, I’m waiting... What’s wrong?” I asked again.
“Kimiko, I think it’s better that you and Kazu talk this over. I’m not in the position to say anything. Kazu is my best friend not to mention a talent that I handle. It would not look or sound good if it’s going to come from me.” he said
“What are you trying to say? I’m not in the mood to play riddles with you. Elaborate.” I said trying to stop the shakiness in my voice from showing.
“Kimi, I think I’d better get going.”
With that he turned around and started to walk away from me.
I was left there standing, still wondering what Susumo meant by the things he had said.
When I arrived home, my cousin was waiting for me. The look on her face told me that she was really waiting for me to come home.
“Hi! How come you’re still awake? I told you not to wait up for me.” I told her as I entered the living room.
“I really intended to wait for you. I could not take this anymore. I could not bear to see you get hurt. I could not allow this to happen. I could not tolerate this unfairness he’s doing to you.” my cousin ranted.
“Hey, wait a minute. What are you talking about? Could you slow down?”
“Kimi, Kazu’s been seeing another girl. And no, it’s not because of a film or drama kind of relationship. It’s deeper than that. They frequent this bar that my friend works in. The first time she saw them, she though it was a “platonic” date, but lately it has been more intimate. I did not believe her at first but she insisted that I go and check it for my self. Kimi, friends or co-stars don’t go french kissing at the farthest and darkest portion of the bar do they? Plus, I over heard the girl in the ladies room telling someone that she’s been going out with him for almost two months now. Kimiko are you listening to me? Kazunari has been cheating on you for the past two months. While here you are trying to cover up for him, making excuses about his absence, there he was exchanging saliva with another girl.”
I was not able to say anything. I could feel the warm tears coursing down my cheeks.
“Since when did you know?” I finally managed to ask.
“Since 2 weeks ago.”
“Then why did you tell me just now?” I asked.
“”I was already trying to give you some clues, but you were too blind to see the truth. You held on to the fact that Kazunari happens to be the son of you Dad’s best friend. you believed that out of respect to your parents he would not hurt you.” She explained.
I was not able to answer her back, I ran straight to my room and locked myself up. A lo of questions were running in my head. Questions that had no answers as of the moment.
It is painful. Too painful to even compare it to any hurt I’ve ever felt.
Then the most dreaded day of my life came.
I was having an early lunch when my cellphone rang. I trembled as I saw the name registered on the screen.
“Kimi, It’s me... Can we meet tonight?” he said after I managed to say a whispered hello.
“Ok. Same time, same place.” Was all that I was able to muster.
He came at exactly 7:00PM at our spot in the nearby park. he looked at me for a moment before he was able to say anything.
“Kimi, I’m not really good at this so please try to bear with me.” he started.
“Just start Kazu. I don’t have all night.” I said trying to sound strong.
“You see, it was ok from the start. I don’t know what or where it went wrong.” He began.
“Maybe it went wrong when you decided to play a game you shouldn’t have played Kazu.” I interrupted.
“It was not a game Kimi. What I felt for you was real.”
“If it was real then why is it ending up this way?” I asked.
“Kimiko, believe me it was real. I did love you. You were special t me.”
“Special? Is this what you call special? Who would believe I am special? I was, then why did you do such a thing behind my back?”
“I wanted to tell you Kimi but I was afraid I would hurt you.” Kazu said trying to reach out for my hand.
“you were afraid to hurt me? Then what is it that you are doing right now? Don’t you think you’re hurting me even more?” I replied as I pulled my hand away from his grasp.
“Kimi, let me explain...”
“Explain? What’s there to explain? That this wasn’t intentional? That you just woke up one day realizing you love her? That’s bullshit Kazunari! Don’t tell me that you did not intend to cheat on me too. Only an idiot would believe such explanation.” I cried.
“Kimiko, I was just looking for the right tim to tell you everything.”
“And when is that? Next week? Next year? Or maybe never. You were thinking that it was ok since I may not be able to find out about it. Well I’m sorry, I found out.”
“Kimi, let’s be mature individuals and talk this over. Let’s iron things out.
“Mature? You think what you did was done by a mature person? Tell Kazu, is she a supermodel? Or a beauty queen perhaps that you can’t control your libido when you’re with her?”
“Kimiko! Stop acting like a child. That’s one thing I hated about you. You’ve always been acting like a spoiled brat. Always trying to have her way.”
“Yeah right! It’s always like this. Every time I try to point out something wrong about you, you try to throw it back at me. And as always I was so stupid to give in to you. So who’s the brat now? Get over it Kazu, it’s not gonna work this time.”
“Kimi, why are you making it hard for us?”
“Me making it hard? I’m not making it hard for us Kazu. You were the one who made it hard for both of us. you could have told me earlier. I could have set you free if only you told me sooner. All I wanted was for you to be honest. i told you before, I don’t want to be the last to know.”
“Kimi, I still love you...”
“No Kazu, you don’t. If you still do then we wouldn’t have this conversation. It would have not gone this far. What you feel for me right now is pity. And I don’t need your pity.”
I was already shaking from head to foot trying to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall.
“Kimi...”
“Let’s end this non-sense conversation. It’s going no where.” I said as I stood up.
“Is this goodbye Kimi?” he asked.
“You brought this upon yourself Kazu. If it’s freedom you want then that’s what I’ll give you.”
“Goodbye is such a harsh word. You don’t deserve it.” he said head down.
“Yes, I don’t deserve it but it’s what I need right now.” I replied.
“But...”
“No buts Kazu... please...”
“Goodbye Kimi...” he said softly as I started to walk away
I turned around and looked at him one last time.
“Thank you Kazu... for saying goodbye.”
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